Top or Bottom?

What I find SO strange about our society is that the topic of sex is so taboo. Anyone that talks openly about sex is labelled as “sex positive”. Like why does talking positively about sex even need a label, dude, we all have it, why not talk about it.

I’ve been on my own personal journey over the last few years. Having this platform has given me confidence I never thought I’d have. I no longer use it for validation, it’s just helped me express my identity and to know that I’m not alone. One thing I’ve come to realise is that I never talk about sex, ever.

To me, sex is a very private part of my life. I believe in monogamy but fully respect the decision of those who don’t. My preferences are private and to be shared with my partner. But I asked myself, why? Not to the monogamy part, that’s not changing any time soon. But why is sex so private to me? One of the most asked questions I ever get is “top or bottom?”. I think most gay creators get tired of constantly having this asked. What difference does it make to you? If you want to imagine me in one of them go ahead, knowing what I actually am won’t make a difference.

I was asked that question again yesterday and for the first time ever I wasn’t annoyed by it, I actually thought about it. As a gay man we do not receive a formal sex education, most of it is from porn, some of it is from hook-ups and the rest is from the sex clinic by which point it’s probably a little late. So, if anything we should be even more open about sex so we can help each-other. Sure, there will be the odd person who just wants to jerk off to the thought of it, crack on we’re all human, but to others the topic may actually be educational.

There is also the subject of “bottom-shaming”, which is ridiculous. How bottoms within the community are seen as less, as (metaphorically) below tops and being weaker. Sex is performative. Your preferences in the bedroom often have little reflection to your characteristics. Why in a community that has already been trodden down for generations would we then create our own hierarchy when we should be lifting each-other up?

Whilst to some the gay community can be seen as promiscuous and highly sexual, there is still minimal discussion about sex. Younger gays enter the community with sexual frustration, a pornographic education and Grindr on their phone. If mainstream schools aren’t teaching us how to have sex, then we should educate each-other.

So, when I was asked this question yesterday, I answered it honestly and truthfully. I didn’t answer it so people can start picturing me, I answered it to start to normalise the conversation. I answered it so the topic of sex and the roles during sex can start to be normalised. So we can stop stereotyping peoples preferences and just “be”. I answered as mainly being a bottom. It is NOTHING to be ashamed of and has nothing to do with your personality. It’s not assigned by the size of your genitalia, it’s a preference. Sure on the surface of it this could seem attention seeking or crude, interpret it how you like. But, on another level it means we can relate to each other, we can learn from each other, we can help each other. If sex is going to be normalised, made more casual and even monetised, then we need to at least bloody talk about it.

I am going to work to become more sex positive and potentially aim to work with more brands that will normalise the conversation and pleasure around sex. This is more of a preliminary article and if you think more sex education will be helpful going forward then I will work to include more within our archives.

I hope this can work as a mini catalyst for our community and moving forward we can start to have more open conversations about sex, about how we can help each-other within the community.

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